MRI's - Not For The Faint of Heart (actually fainting might be a good thing!)

I'd been having some health issues that the doctor thought should be checked out. He ordered a head and neck MRI. I thought, "not a big deal". The procedure was scheduled for the next morning at 9:00.

I really wasn't that nervous about having it.  I had done my homework and googled and YouTubed MRI's until I felt fairly confident I knew what was going to take place.

YouTube videos, can I just say, are either brutally honest or propoganda.  I think the MRI videos were all propoganda.

.....fade in...... you see a smiling child wearing scrubs.  She is sitting on a bed next to a large circular tube.  The tube looks like a giant life preserver.  I swear I could see the attached rope through the rings on the side. A technician hands the child a pair of headphones and she laughingly puts them on.

(voiceover) "You will be asked to remove all metal, including jewelry, clothes with rivets, and glasses. Your technician will give you a pair of headphones and ask you what kind of music you would like to listen to."

The child then giddily lays back on the table and blissfully closes her eyes as if to take a nap.

That's where the video usually ends.

and that's not exactly what my experience was.

I arrived at a couple of minutes before 9 and was asked to fill out a questionaire that was at least 3 type-written pages long.  They wanted to make DARN sure I didn't have any metal in my body.
     "do you have any body piercings (hidden or visible)?
     "do you have a knee or hip replacement?"
     "do you listen to heavy metal music?"
Just kidding on that last one, but I'll bet they would have refused me the MRI if I'd asked for heavy metal to be piped through the headphones.
The last question caused me pause for a minute.
     "Are you claustrophobic?"
I am.  I felt a bit panicky the last time I went to the dentist and he put the little gas tent thing over my nose.  I had to have it removed and for-go the gas.  I answered yes and wondered what accomodations they would make for this.

Next a very pleasant nurse took me back and gave me some scrubs to put on.

Okay!  This is going just like the YouTube video.  I can do this.

After donning the scrubs, (and may I say they were so comfortable that I may get several pair and wear them daily), I was escorted into a large open room.  In the center was a narrow table that was next to the oversized life-preserver tube machine-thing!  I was so relieved. Why did they ask me if I was claustrophobic?  Phewy, this was nothing. 

The nurse had me lay on the table which was VERY narrow. If I relaxed my arms they hung downward and my hands rested on the floor and I felt like a monkey. Now I know why they used a child in the video!  It made the table look normal sized, comparatively.  Miss Nurse took my blood sample which she said had to be tested for kidney function before they injected the contrasting dye into my arm.  She said they would run the first part of the MRI while the blood was being tested because they didn't inject the dye until close to the end.

Next a male technician came into the room and said, "okay, are you ready?" I replied that I was.  He then said, "well, let's go."  I said "okay, let's go".  He just stood there above me as my monkey hands rested on the floor, and looked at me like I was a bit mentally deficient or something.  Again he said, "let's go" and I started to cotton-on to the fact that he wanted me to sit up, which I did.  He turned and started to walk out of the room.  Then I deduced that he wanted me to follow him, which I did.  We left that nice cheery big open room with the life preserver and entered a darkened noisy one. This thing had a humongous, noisy, long, large, intimidating-looking contraption in it, which took up most of the room. Right in front of it was another narrow bed, which he indicated that I should lay upon.  He handed me a pair of headphones and asked me what kind of music I wanted to listed to. I was tempted to say "heavy metal" just to see his reaction, but ended up saying "classical". I put the "phones" on my ears and heard, what I swear was, "Brahams Lullaby".  It was so soft and sweet.  Maybe I would drift off to sleep like that cherubic child in the YouTube video. The tech had me stretch my head up  as I lay down so that the headphones would fit into a slot in the head brace.  Then he lowered a football mask-like grid thing over my face. I started to think that now would be a good time to go to the happy place in my head and closed my eyes. He placed a blanket over me, told me not to move or cough and then I felt the table move into the machine.

I thought to myself, "this is stupid.  I'm paying big bucks for this experience.  I should really EXPERIENCE it."  So I opened my eyes to see what was going on. 

My eyes were only open for about .005 of a second.  Just long enough for me to KNOW that if I kept them open any longer than that I would have a major freakout.

About an inch from the face mask was "the machine".  It wasn't like being in a box, either.  I think coffins are roomier. at least they are rectangles and you have those corners for a bit of "breathing space".  This was more like a mummy coffin. or maybe a giant piece of non flexible or breakable rigatoni, or maybe a roach motel ("they check in, but they can't check out").  All I knew was that I had no room.  If I relaxed my arms they touched both sides of "the machine". 

Thankfully there was a steady stream of air being pumped in.  I think that's the only thing that saved me.  I lay there with my eyes closed, feeling the breeze on my face and imagined laying in an open field with daisies swaying gently around me.

I tried really really hard to hold onto that image, but it was quite hard with "the machine" doing it's thing.  MRI's are not timid things.  They let you know they are in charge and can do with you what they will.  Their instruments of torture include jack-hammers, wood-peckers, sirens, and earthquakes.  It's kind of hard to imagine the gentle meadow when you are being shaken up and hammered. That lovely classical music is a memory that surfaces ever so briefly in between the barrages that "the machine" will inflict upon you.

And it will inflict those things on you over and over and over.

A lot of things went through my mind. 
     How badly do I need to freak out before they will let me out of here.
     If I freak out they will make me do this whole thing over again.
     My FILLINGS!  I didn't tell them I had metal fillings!!!
     My nose itches but if I try to scratch it I will realize how confined I am and have a major freakout.
     I HAVE TO COUGH!!!  Why did he tell me I can't cough!  (I actually snuck a few coughs in hoping it wouldn't screw up the whole test.)
     My mouth feels like cotton.  I really need to swallow.  Will swallowing mess up the whole test?
     Get me out of here!  No, I can do this.  Breath, big breaths, not so fast, don't hyperventilate.
    
And in between every series of bangings and thumpings I would hear soft little wafts of Brahams.  The contrast almost made me laugh, but if I laughed I would have jiggled and that would have messed up the test and I would have had to do it all over again.
     so I just thought about smiling instead.

After forever I felt myself being moved out of the tube.  It was time to inject the dye.  I really didn't think I could stand going back into the tube again.  I asked him how much longer.  He said 2 series of 7 minutes each, so I would be done in 15 minutes. And then he once again fed me into the mouth of "the machine".  It was at this point when I realized I really had to go to the bathroom.
I started counting slowly to 60.
I held up my thumb to mark one minute.
I started again.  1...2...3...4  (whew, I really gotta go) 5....6....
and again,
1.....2.....3.....(what's the matter girl, can't you hold your liquid?) 4....5.....  Three fingers/minutes up.
and again.
1.....2....3.......

Well, you get the picture.  I counted every second of every one of those 15 minutes, interjecting anti-wetting-myself pep-talks at regular intervals.

The test ended at my 14 minute and 45 second count.  I was so eternally grateful it ended prior to, not post the 15 minute mark.

I think I know why they asked if I was claustrophobic.  They have a pool going that predicts when the big freakout will happen.  The closest time takes the pot.  I showed them.  No freakout.  They should have given the kitty to me.